SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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