Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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