I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
