plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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