I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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