went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
