On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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