I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
