my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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