I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
