My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
