The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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