he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
