What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
