Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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