Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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