I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
