I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
