I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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