I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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