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we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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