All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
