You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You made out with two different species that night
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
