I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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