I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
