oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
