did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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