I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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