Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
