This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Randomize
