you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
