I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
