i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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