Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
