guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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