I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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