i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
