Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize