they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
