I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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