If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It's blow job season.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
