Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
