I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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