If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
