Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
