Tell her she can't have a vagina
there's paper in my vomit.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
