I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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