I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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