the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
