if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize