i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
