just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
