My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize