I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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