Umm I'm too high to move.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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