DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize