So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
