oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
