i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize