So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
