lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
