I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
