No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize