We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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