I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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