can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Pappa wants mamma naked
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
