I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
