I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
one might say we're banned from that church
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
