i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
